I’ll be honest with you guys, because part of my goal on Live, Love, and Cherish is to be completely open so that you can connect with me and maybe even see part of yourself in me. I’m really struggling with depression right now. I’ve tried the freelance writing thing for two months and except for writing on this blog (which I love), I hate freelance writing. I hate writing for other people, being forced to choose topics I’m not interested in or have to spend HOURS researching, not to mention being terrified of plagiarizing anything accidentally. And trying to make money from it is so hard. I have to start by writing crappy jobs that pay maybe $5 or less per post, each post taking me over an hour to research and 30 minutes to an hour to write. It would take at least six months of this to even work for myself, setting up my own freelance business, and I just don’t have the time or money to put into it. Not to mention, I have no interest in it.
The thing is, since I started freelance writing, I’ve come to loathe writing altogether. I have no desire to write my book, I have to make myself write this blog, and I just can’t stand losing that love and passion I once had. So, clearly, freelance writing just isn’t for me.
So, I’ve decided to find a part-time job to help pay the bills, since my writing isn’t doing that right now. And it terrifies me. I’m not afraid of working, I just know it isn’t what I want to do with my life. I feel trapped and I don’t know how to get out. Bills are piling up, money is more than tight it’s practically non-existent, and I constantly wonder where God is in all this. I know He doesn’t take away trials, but I thought He would at least smooth some of the way if we were doing His will, which we honestly thought we were. But now? I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know what God is doing or even what He wants, except I’m pretty sure He is doing everything He can to strengthen our faith.
That’s all well and good, but I don’t know how to let my faith be strengthened. I guess the hard part is learning to change my mindset because I don’t know how to do that either. I’m reading Joyce Meyer and another nonchristian psychology book on learning how to not be worried. Prayerfully that will help. I do know I need to spend more time with the Lord and in His Word. I know He is the only one who can change me.
I know I need to trust Him and I know that being worried, anxious, or depressed won’t solve my problems. But I don’t know how to trust Him. I really don’t. I know all the Scriptures. I could quote them all right here. But knowing them and living them are two very different things and I just don’t know how to live out those Scriptures.
God says that He will supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). So far, He has. But then again, we had savings the past two months. The savings are gone now. My husband just started a new job and I haven’t found one yet. The Amazon business we’re trying to start is stuck right now because we can’t afford to get it to the warehouse. We can’t take out loans because of bad credit ratings. It’s just…so freaking overwhelming. It’s like everything we try to do to solve the situation gets shut down.
I wish I could encourage you guys. But right now I can’t even encourage myself. I’m not posting this to depress anyone, just to show people that Christians get depressed and overwhelmed too. We aren’t immune to it simply because we have the Holy Spirit. And so that when the situation does improve, and I grow and mature through these trials, we can all look back on this post and see how far God has brought us.
I do know, in my Spirit, that we’ll get out of this somehow. I also know that we’re trying to solve it ourselves and not really trusting God to do it. That’s probably why He isn’t letting anything work out for us. Again, I don’t know how to let go and let God. I know that the phrase, “God helps those who help themselves,” is untrue because God helps those who can’t help themselves. If you can help yourself, you don’t need God. I just don’t see what He’s doing or how He can possibly turn this around. Then again, I guess that’s why we have to have faith (“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” – Hebrews 11:1).
So, guys, I definitely need your prayers. This is one of the hardest things I’ve gone through so far. You know how women want that comfort and safety of knowing that we’re provided for, and right now I just don’t have that.
My husband does everything he can to cheer me up. He hates me being unhappy and I appreciate all he does. It works for a while, but eventually, that darkness sets in again because my joy and peace can’t come from him, but from the Lord.
I don’t know, part of me wants to go to work anyway, just to get out of the house and around other people. I’m only going to work part-time so I’ll still have time for my blog and book. But I think I need the human interaction. I adore my husband and love spending every waking minute with him, but I also need to talk to other people, even if they are only coworkers and not friends.
But we’ll see what happens. I know for a fact that if God blocks these companies from contacting me about my job applications, I’m not meant to go back to work. But if a door opens, I’m walking through it. If it’s a mistake, I’ll learn from it. But I can’t just sit around and do nothing, hoping things will get better.
If you are struggling with depression, or have in the past, or just have some awesome advice for me or anyone else going through a similar experience, please post in the comments below! I always love to hear from you! And I will keep you updated on our situation and how God changes things for us.