I’m sorry I didn’t post on Thursday. I had planned out a Thanksgiving post and everything, but when the actual holiday came all I wanted to do was relax. Justin was busy with work and, I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want to do it. I realize now that I could have written the post on Wednesday and told it to post on Thursday. All well, live and learn.
I’m suspending my study on love to ask these questions: What is your motivation in life? What gets you out of bed in the morning?
This week has been really hard for Justin and me. We’ve been feeling really down, really discouraged. We finally got our product to Amazon but besides my mom, we haven’t made any sales. Justin opened up an e-commerce store this weekend, and again no sales. I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know what God is doing. I don’t know what God wants. I feel like He placed this dream in Justin’s heart of owning his own business. Justin has done the work, he’s done hours of research, he’s diligently gone through all the steps that the experts recommend.
I know, we need to just trust God.
I feel like our house is filled with despair, fear, and discouragement. We’ve gotten out, even walked 2 miles on a nearby trail, and we feel fine out of the house. As soon as we come home, that feeling jumps on us again. I know it’s the enemy. I’ve rebuked him, but he keeps coming back.
I’ve sung praise music and it helped for awhile. But a few hours later and the feeling comes back again.
I’m praying that the enemy is attacking us so harshly because he knows our breakthrough is right around the corner. I’m praying that this feeling of despair and despondency is because the enemy just wants to stop us from doing what needs to be done because he knows that we’re about to receive a blessing (a financial blessing would be awesome right now).
I know that’s what Joel Osteen says. Joyce Meyer does too. It’s always darkest before the dawn.
It’s not that I’m depressed. I’m not. I just have no motivation right now, or rather no passion. Even though I’m afraid of our bills, fear doesn’t drive me out of bed. In fact, thinking about bills just makes me wants to get back in bed and not wake up at all.
So, what motivates you? Your kids? Your job? I would truly love to know because everyone’s motivation is different and I need to find one.
I do love writing my book. I’m actually almost done with it. I’m going to finish the last chapter today. Then I have until December 15th to finish the editing. After that, I’ll order a cover photo and self-publish on Amazon by December 31st. I should be excited about that, but I’m not.
I think I know why Justin and I aren’t excited like we should be. We’re weary. Justin has been wanting this dream for so long, long before he met me, but he didn’t have the courage to go after it until I encouraged him. I’ve had this book idea in my heart and mind since I was 10 years old. That’s 19 years y’all. I think we’re just afraid that we’ve wanted this for so long, for these dreams to be accomplished (or at least the first few steps) that we’re afraid it won’t really happen, that we’ll be disappointed again.
That fear is a dangerous cycle man because I know that fear does not equal faith. I know when we’re afraid, we aren’t practicing faith. And then I get more afraid that because I’m afraid, God won’t bless us – He’ll let us fail because our faith isn’t strong enough. I don’t think God is like that though. God is love and He understands that we can’t fully get rid of fear. It just isn’t possible as humans. I think even Jesus felt afraid of the suffering He knew was coming with the cross; that’s why He sweated great drops of blood. But He followed God’s will anyway. Which is what Justin and I are doing. We’re afraid, but Justin is still working on the businesses. I’m afraid, but I’m still finishing my book and working on these blogs.
But I don’t think either of us is motivated to get up in the morning. We aren’t excited about our present, we aren’t excited about our future. I’ve listened to a lot of motivational speakers since marrying Justin and they all say, “Find your passion!” They claim that once you find your passion you’ll want to get up every morning, you’ll be excited. I guess I haven’t found it then.
I love Justin. I love the Lord. But neither of those things get me up. I get up because I have to and lately I just want to go back to sleep.
It’s kind of funny (not funny haha but funny interesting) that I feel this way because just last week I started getting happy, truly loving my life, and was getting excited about the future. Then this week this heaviness is just sitting on us. It’s frustrating, honestly. But I do know that things are about to change. I truly do know that God is in control and things are about to get a lot better. We just need to make it through this hard period. Even without motivation, we have to make ourselves do what we know needs to be done.
Joel Osteen was just talking yesterday (well, we were listening to a sermon of his yesterday) called “Step Into the Unknown“. It was actually perfect for Justin and I because he was talking about how God is going to call us to step out in faith. We’ve stepped out in faith moving here. We’re still living by faith for our bills. And we’re stepping in faith with our businesses. But unlike a GPS, God doesn’t give us the directions ahead of time. He reveals things one step at a time. And when He’s silent, it’s because we’re going in the right direction. He won’t speak again until it’s time for us to change direction or make a new decision. That did awaken an excitement in my spirit for a little while. But then by nighttime, I felt discouraged again. And when I woke up this morning I just felt defeated.
I also know we can’t live by emotions. Sometimes, I don’t care how passionate you are about something, you aren’t going to want to do it. No matter how much you love your kids, sometimes you just want to sleep in. But we do it anyway. Do it afraid. Do it without passion. Do it without excitement. Do it because it needs to be done.
I guess that’s just the stage Justin and I are at right now. We’re going to do what needs to be done no matter how we feel. And, even though fear is not a part of faith, we’re going to have to do it afraid too and trust that God will take care of us.
And you? Do you need to do something afraid? Don’t be discouraged! We all have to go through scary things. But I really don’t think God is going to punish us because we’re scared. I think He is going to shine through our fear even more brightly and remind us of why we can trust Him. He’s going to open doors that no one can shut. He’s going to lead us to our destiny and help us to become all He created us to be.
Like Joel always says, I believe and declare it in the name of Jesus! Amen!